Ficlet - Convergence

[clawofcat.livejournal.com]

The fic that I've been working on for this round is still in development, but I didn't want to leave you all hanging without content, so here's a small offering. I hope to have my other fic finished for the Free For All.

Title: Convergence
Author: ClawofCat
Timing: S7
Rating: PG-13
Words: 603
Summary: Set during "Lessons," we learn more about Spike, the soul, and his perceptions about Buffy when sanity was slippery at best.

A/N: Thanks to only_passenger for being my last minute sounding board on this ficlet. You're my hero.

 

“I dreamed of killing you. I think they were dreams. So weak. You make me weak. Thinking of you, holding myself and spilling useless buckets of salt over your… ending.” ~ Spike in "Beneath You."

 ***

 

Within the fever dreams he sees a girl. Slight and proud, her knowing smile and grace is as natural as the killing blows she delivers. He sees himself, too, serrated teeth on cocksure display when they circle each other for their formal introduction. His victory was always to hold her heart in his hands, a literal desire turned figurative. It was never his to have until now though. Her blows connect, but are ineffective; her puns a sad cover for her inexperience. He crows when the stumble comes and she sinks into his embrace, a tragic mimic of the lovesick Bot, except there is no steel and silicone when he steals the prize that was never his for the taking. The stem of her neck wilts with the force of the tear as he bites and sucks and drains. Her body slumps, hits the ruddy school tile and keeps falling, arms spread, flying into the blue matrix of energy where it is dashed and jerked and beaten.

 

The guilt of the jump still hammers loud and clear, hammers like he hammered her in the days weeks when the ambiguity of her no’s and yes’s were clearest. Rejection is all she knows and all she gives.

 

“Beneath him,” the thing cries inside of his head.

 

“Beneath her,” he cries on the alley pavement. He doesn’t hesitate with the gun this time. Big bad, big weapon and he blows a hole through her, the drop of her body on the porch like the crack of her back on the tub. The hole in her chest gurgles when she cries no, pushing at him as he forces himself in. Hand on her heart, teeth in her neck, cock in her cunt, he makes her see the real him. But she shakes her head and casts her heart away, a writhing fish out of water skidding across the floor. Only a soul can have her throat, her heart, her sex. Only a soul, only a man. It’s what she deserves, what he fights for, fights against. His devilish doppelganger won’t let him forget, and taunts taunts taunts.     

 

The nights when the burning rages, he cuts deep into his breast, so both their chests are empty. He looks for the piece that will fit. They don’t match anymore, but he remembers when they did – her hand and his, bloody-knuckled and raw, an homage to the pain of a life returned. The nights when he saved her are washed out and blurred now; all he can see are the nights he kills her, slower faster quicker, when he didn’t feel anything, nothing clean inside, dead. Thing. Soulless.

 

The school basement groans, metal doors ring and her scent breaks through the din of misery. Sin or solace? What will she bring? Nowhere to hide, needs a costume, but there is nothing but the threadbare shirt, the honesty of his mutilated flesh. She took him battered and beaten once, forgave with a kiss, saw and knew his sacrifice. A blue fairy, his Buffy, is needed to declare his actions real.

 

When she stares at him, her shirt white like the day of the jump, he registers the shock and fear. He knows this look, seen it many times. It’s just one of the innumerable faces he dreams of in the dark.

 

“Spike? Are you real?” she whispers with the disbelief he felt when she stood on those stairs, fresh and new and broken.

 

The shard of hope dies and he knows now the futility. His manic laugh shakes him and she flinches.

 

Not real. Just flesh.

 

Flesh to her, solid through.
 

Comments

[rebcake.livejournal.com]

This is so densely written, so full of substance, that I hardly know where to begin.

How about: His victory was always to hold her heart in his hands, a literal desire turned figurative. contrasted with [she] casts her heart away, a writhing fish out of water skidding across the floor.

There's so much going on in just those two lines, about the tenuous grasp he has on his desires (kiss or kill), his memory, and his sanity, among other things. Excellent.

serrated teeth on cocksure display when they circle each other for their formal introduction

I love the touch of victoriana in the midst of monstrous posturing. The reference to Buffy as the Blue Fairy (Are you real?) is wonderful, as well.

Beautifully done, affecting and powerful. Thanks for putting it out there.

(Deadlines: mother to amazing work.)

[clawofcat.livejournal.com]

Thanks, as always, for the kind words, Reb. When I finally accepted that I wouldn't get the longer fic done in time, I focused on something I could do last minute and it was this. Dense, prosy character studies come naturally to me. They're so image rich, that I only have to worry about the signifance of the symbolism and overlapping canonical moments. No "story" necessary. I've always found the particular segment of Spike's speech in "Beneath You" about the dreams very heartbreaking and wanted to do a bit of Crazy!Spike POV so we could see the sort of internal torture he was undergoing.

There's so much going on in just those two lines, about the tenuous grasp he has on his desires (kiss or kill), his memory, and his sanity
Hee, you quoted my two favorite lines! I image newly souled Spike was very much at odds with his vision of himself - who he wanted to be vs. who he had been in the past. The "badness" of his actions coupled with the First (as Spike) taunting him must have made for a particularly conflicted journey. I think his guilt might have been two fold because the soul doesn't erase all your bad desires. Angel's a testament to that and us mere mortals can be pretty darn wicked when we put our minds to it. In Spike's less lucid moments, I imagine his memories and desires probably would have overlapped and been this huge jumble of conflicted feeling. I tried to represent that here.

The reference to Buffy as the Blue Fairy (Are you real?) is wonderful, as well.
Reality is one of those interesting themes that Joss & Co. played with a lot on the show. Buffy's Slayer dreams were one of the earliest examples, followed by episodes where nightmares become reality, Dawn's identity issues, Spike's courage in "Intervention," and of course the perceptions of "crazy" characters like Dru and basement!Spike. After I rewatched "Lessons" to see their first meeting, I thought that it was an essential addition since Spike looks to Buffy for acceptance and approval.

[urania-calliope.livejournal.com]

That gave me shivers. Wonderful words.

[clawofcat.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I'm glad you enjoyed it. Spike was in such a state of flux at this time that I think his mental state must have really reflected the confusion and conflict he was feeling. All the biolence and guilt bubbling to the surface would definately make for some shivery creepiness.

[amyxaphania.livejournal.com]

I'll echo urania_calliope - this gave me shivers. Great little fic.

[clawofcat.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Amy! Though this time period is a brief one in the scope of the show, I think the effects of it on Spike's actions and personality afterward went very deep. Nearly all the characters seem to go through this trial by fire where they have to reject or embrace the bad or good inside of them. We know Spike's choice :)

[moscow-watcher.livejournal.com]

So wonderfully chilling, so intense and heartbreaking.

Flow-of-conscience pieces are the hardest to write, especially when a writer deals with Spike, who is one of the most controvercial characters in TV history. But you do it brilliantly, delving into his psyche and crystallizing his very essense - the poet, the sacred beast, the ultimate myth, the embodiment of a male duality - and the man behind these concepts.

Stellar. Just stellar.

[clawofcat.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much for the kinds words. I think you hit on everything I was trying to accomplish with this piece. For me, alongside the heartbreaking beauty of Spike's confession, there has always been something deeply disturbing about the church scene in "Beneath You." Spike reveals things, frightening things, that really begin to flesh out the sort of monster he was pre-series. And I imagine that those impulses and desires would rear themselves quite forcefully once he had soul enough to feel the deep regret and shame of what he'd done. Fantasies that might have brought him pleasure before, like killing Buffy, only serve to distress him not only because things have changed so much, but that in "Seeing Red" maybe he sees how wrong he is about that.

Flow-of-conscience pieces are the hardest to write
They've always been some of the easiest for me, actually. It's functional storytelling that I've often had difficulty with (and what's been the hold up on the SS fic I've been working on). I was quite strapped for time, so I reverted to default mode - something I knew I could on short notice and it's this tight, lyrical, image-heavy prose. It feels very organic to me, like snapshots. It's how people think and remember - in pieces - so writing like this feels like a natural extension of a person's internal state. Does that make sense?

[moscow-watcher.livejournal.com]

They've always been some of the easiest for me, actually. It's functional storytelling that I've often had difficulty with (and what's been the hold up on the SS fic I've been working on). I was quite strapped for time, so I reverted to default mode - something I knew I could on short notice and it's this tight, lyrical, image-heavy prose. It feels very organic to me, like snapshots. It's how people think and remember - in pieces - so writing like this feels like a natural extension of a person's internal state. Does that make sense?

Lucky you! In my case, it's the opposite. I often get weird plotty "what if" ideas as I rewatch the show, and some of them easily transform into fic storylines. But delving into characters' psyche is incredibly hard to me. I tried, unsuccessfully, several times, and, finally accepted my inadequacy. And I have deep respect and admiration of writers who can glimpse into characters' souls.

[rebcake.livejournal.com]

the embodiment of a male duality

Excellent point about Spike being the perfect embodiment of that thing about men, that they are marvelous and loving and attractive, but that they are far too often capable of killing the women they love. *shiver*

[shapinglight]

Eh dear! Poor Spike. I think you got to the heart of his madness here.

[clawofcat.livejournal.com]

I really enjoyed trying to channel crazy!Spike. It was much easier than I thought it would be once I rewatched his scenes from the first 4 eps of S7. Spike during this time is very lyrical in speech, and uses somewhat obtuse metaphors, so I tried to work that into the prose, along with a network of canon tie-ins to ground the abstraction of his madness.

[petzipellepingo.livejournal.com]

Sin or solace? What will she bring? Nowhere to hide, needs a costume, but there is nothing but the threadbare shirt, the honesty of his mutilated flesh. She took him battered and beaten once, forgave with a kiss, saw and knew his sacrifice. A blue fairy, his Buffy, is needed to declare his actions real.


Poor crazy, mixed up Spike; so broken and alone. You've done a great job showing just how tragic he was.

[clawofcat.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I'm glad that my interpretation of this period for Spike worked for you. Writing crazy characters is a bit of a gamble.

Given how crazy and mixed up he was, he sure seemed to get over it quick, too. I always thought that was a failing on the part of the writers. The transitional process was sort of skewed and made more complicated by the whole triggering subplot. It wasn't exactly able to unfold naturally.

[evilawyer.livejournal.com]

Very powerful.

[clawofcat.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you think so!

[jen-nsync-landl.livejournal.com]

Chilling and absolutely plausible as early S7 reality.

It’s just one of the innumerable faces he dreams of in the dark.

Love that line as the accompaniment for that first moment between them.

Well done.

[clawofcat.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I'm glad it worked for you. Writing fractured reality sometimes comes across well, and sometimes doesn't. I imagine the nightmarish state that I have Spike wading through here was disturbing and chilling for him, too. How frightening and disorienting it must be not to know if what you're seeing and hearing is real or not.

Love that line as the accompaniment for that first moment between them.
Much like Spike's fantasies about saving Buffy in all sorts of ways, along with his hallucinations of killing her, I think he must have also dreamt up various scenarios for their eventual meeting post-soul and how she would react to seeing him. Kinda like his dreams when he's taken hostage by the First and she rescues him.

[twilightschild9.livejournal.com]

Amazing little piece. It flows like a dream, beautiful and scattered everywhere.

"He doesn’t hesitate with the gun this time. Big bad, big weapon and he blows a hole through her, the drop of her body on the porch like the crack of her back on the tub. The hole in her chest gurgles when she cries no, pushing at him as he forces himself in. Hand on her heart, teeth in her neck, cock in her cunt, he makes her see the real him." - I love the way you make him see himself. There was no getting around this part, just like there's no getting around the bathroom scene.

You're amazing, and I'm glad I got to see more of your writing.

[clawofcat.livejournal.com]

Omg, hey you! It's been forever! How are things?

And thanks for the kind words, TC. It flows like a dream, beautiful and scattered everywhere. - is what I was going for, except perhaps this nightmare is a hell of Spike's own making. When I was working on this I really wanted to capture that amazing melding of imagery that Joss & Co. tried to visually show us during the dreams in "Restless." Just like all the sets got pushed together so characters could run into and between familiar places, I tried to smush and twist similar memories of Spike's together to create this natural flow of thought. It's free association in a lot of ways.

I love the way you make him see himself.
I've always thought a key part of the soul vs. unsouled paradox in the Buffy verse is not just that these vampires feel tremendous guilt for their actions, but they gain insight into how others saw them. They come to understand who and what they were. When faced with the horrifying reality of how much suffering they inflicted, they turn that suffering on themselves. Facing up to the reality of yourself can be a hard thing sometimes, and Spike's seeing it all play out in living color here.

[penny-lane-42.livejournal.com]

Oh, wow. This reads like poetry, in that every single word is perfectly chosen and absolutely necessary. I usually try to pick out lines that especially appeal to me, but I can't do that here, because each one has so much meaning and symbolism and texture. And the emotion is just heartwrenching. This is beautiful.

[clawofcat.livejournal.com]

This reads like poetry, in that every single word is perfectly chosen and absolutely necessary...each one has so much meaning and symbolism and texture
Ah, no kinder words could be said about this piece. Thank you so much. I tend to write in short form - ficlets & one shots - so word usage and word economy are really important to me. If the space is limited, then the words have to have power to deliver the desired effect. I'm glad that the ones I chose here worked for you. Spike speaks with such lyricism and maintains a beautiful sense of dignity despite how broken he is in "Beneath You." I tried to capture that part of him here in the words.

[timeofchange.livejournal.com]

I need to save this one to read again. Such beautiful language for such painful imagery.

[clawofcat.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I hope you continue to enjoy it on each successive read.

Such beautiful language for such painful imagery.
It makes the cut that much deeper, I think. Frou Frou got it right in their song "Let Go" when they say "There's beauty in the breakdown."

[zanthinegirl.livejournal.com]

Wow, really powerful writing. SO much packed into a such a small space-- CLearly I'm going to have to come back to it again.

Just gorgeous.

[clawofcat.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I'm very pleased to hear that you found it so affecting. For short pieces like this, I think it's really important to make every word count.

[riccadonna.livejournal.com]

It's so hurtful, I almost wanted to skip lines.
A very creepy, touching trip in Spike's mind.

[clawofcat.livejournal.com]

Thank you for your comments. There were so many moments on the show that delved into the dark and sad underbelly of heroism, vampirism, sacrifice, morality, and the consequences of questionable actions. I think, in many ways, Spike's "Beneath You" speech was the culmination of so much of that frought emotion. As Buffy says to Angel in Amends, "Strong is fighting. It's hard, and it's painful, and it's every day." And that mentality was what I tried to capture here. Spike's journey is not an easy one. It's ugly and painful, but there is a heart wrenching beauty about how he perseveres, how he tries. I think I admire these characters the most when they come through the darkness, when they "risk the pain". I'm glad you hung in there, despite the harsh nature of the content.

[brunettepet.livejournal.com]

Excellent capture if the inner workings of newly souled Spike's fractured mind. His mental follow through to all those chances at killing Buffy nicely bookend his dreams of saving the slayer after her sacrifice. It is his love of her, his quest to grab her elusive, slippery heart, that has led him to this tortured place, so it's no wonder he dreams of ending her before the torture can begin.

This slips into canon beautifully, and you leave me feeling Spike's deep conflict and pain. Excellent job.

[clawofcat.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much for your kind words. I imagine Spike's feelings about Buffy, their relationship and her death as a guilt cycle. We know that Spike blamed himself for her death. He confessses as much in early S6. Combine those initial feelings with the soul, the First playing games with him, and his horror at his assult and I think that guilt would manifest into a literal belief that he did kill her. The dreams become a haunting traumatic replay of Spike's largest failures, his psyche reinterpreting her death and violation and casting his unsouled self as the villain.

That said, the pain runs so deep because his love is so great. Spike never does anything by half. He's something else.

[louise39.livejournal.com]

Only a soul can have her throat, her heart, her sex. Only a soul, only a man.
Oh, but this soul of Spike is forcing him to face some intense and harsh truths. Love how this semi-mad Spike careens between memories and wishes until his 'blue fairy' comes and hope dies.

Each phrase, each word paints such pain and chaos. This was difficult to read because you make Spike's suffering so real and immediate.

Intense and breathtaking.

[clawofcat.livejournal.com]

I'm so glad the intensity and chaos of Spike's mental state came through in the words. James' performance was so powerful through the fractured language and imagery he was given, and I tried to replicate that obtuse tangle of non-literal speech that Spike's prone to at this time. I often find myself trying to explain in words images that are probably best left for the screen. It's always a relief when people are able to "see" what I see. Visuals and the written word don't always translate, unfortunately.

Love how this semi-mad Spike careens between memories and wishes until his 'blue fairy' comes and hope dies.
Me, too. Memories, wishes and dreams are a powerful thing. They are the medium we live out our greatest fears and biggest hopes. What I like so much about the Blue Fairy reference is that Spike wrongly interprets Buffy's shock. We know that she does see him, that she believes in him and saw his penance. His heart is broken here, but it will slowly mend.

[manoah.livejournal.com]

My. Very intense. Powerful. You string your words together so well.

Thank you for sharing.

[clawofcat.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much for your compliments. Intensity is definately called for during this time period. I don't envy the writer's that had to put those crazy, tortured, beautiful words into Spike's mouth. Simultaneously inspiring pity and love for a character is no easy feat, but that's just what the audience felt. If I could replicate just a smidgeon of that for the readers here, than I'm a happy girl!

[slaymesoftly.livejournal.com]

I hope I reviewed this on SS. I know I read it there, so I guess I did. In any case, I think this is some of the best work you've done. It's powerful, affecting and captures Spike at that point in his life beautifully.

[clawofcat.livejournal.com]

Hee, my journal links to the SS entry, which is where this review is. You didn't comment before, so I'm glad I reposted! As always, praise from you is cause to smile. I'm surprised and sort of humbled that you think this ficlet is one of my best pieces. It often seems to be the case that the pieces I put the least conscious effort into are my strongest. I think stress can sometimes poison my writing. Good thing Laura and Pass told me my original fic for SS wasn't working. I'm pretty happy with my stress free contribution.

[slaymesoftly.livejournal.com]

Hmmm, well, I guess that explains why I couldn't remember what I said about it the first time. :) You should be happy with it.

[kseenaa.livejournal.com]

That was amazing. Absolutely amazing. There is a sense in the madness, isn't there? *smiles sadly*

[clawofcat.livejournal.com]

*blushes* Thank you. I'm glad you think so. It's such a wee little piece of writing. I'm always so surprised and humbled when my ficlets get such a strong response.

There is a sense in the madness, isn't there?
There always is. Just look at poor Dru or Cassandra or the Oracle or any number of mad female characters from literature or antiquity. Broken, but brilliant in their clairvoyance.

[hello-spikey.livejournal.com]

*shivers*

Dark and poetical, dear. Don't know really what else to say - you capture the complexity of the moment in unflinching detail. Brava!

[clawofcat.livejournal.com]

*smirks* Is there a chill in the air? This ficlet seems to have raised quite a few goosebumps.

All silliness aside, I'm glad you enjoyed it. The more hurty a moment, the prettier I want to make it. I think it's a rule or something. I just love the dualism between the razor cut of emotional pain and the beautiful, transformative way it can be expressed in words. It makes the ache that much more severe somehow.

[next_to_normal]

Thanks for the reminder - I've still got about 30 tabs open, but I finally made it back to this one. :)

You're definitely right that this is the type of fic you do best. I love the parallels drawn between the dreams of killing her and the real-life times he's let her down. And all around, a very good depiction of Crazy!Spike, which is hard to do.

[clawofcat.livejournal.com]

You shall persevere! I don't know know how many fics I have that are in queue to read. Lots and lots. It's sloooow going.

I'm down for crazy!Spike. I kinda wrote him in "Beneath Us," though that was more from Buffy's POV. I think it's high time I write evil, killy Slayer Spike. Don't you?

You're definitely right that this is the type of fic you do best.
Yes, short so that I can't fuck up it up =/ I'm currently staring at my IWRY entry and frowning. I'm suffering from scrambled brain. 5 hours betaing Pass' fic is like... damn. I think I'm officially married to it we've been cohabitating so long.

[next_to_normal]

OMG sooo slow! And sadly, I'm not finding very many that I enjoyed, which is disappointing, to slog through tons of recs and not find many good ones.

[all-choseny.livejournal.com]

Excellent look into Spike's agony. Most of the time I read fic's that focus on Buffy's pain and confusion regarding their relationship. And although Spike put up an excellent facade most of the time, it was painful and confusing for him too.

This piece really punctuated that for me.