Thanks, as always, for the kind words, Reb. When I finally accepted that I wouldn't get the longer fic done in time, I focused on something I could do last minute and it was this. Dense, prosy character studies come naturally to me. They're so image rich, that I only have to worry about the signifance of the symbolism and overlapping canonical moments. No "story" necessary. I've always found the particular segment of Spike's speech in "Beneath You" about the dreams very heartbreaking and wanted to do a bit of Crazy!Spike POV so we could see the sort of internal torture he was undergoing.
There's so much going on in just those two lines, about the tenuous grasp he has on his desires (kiss or kill), his memory, and his sanity Hee, you quoted my two favorite lines! I image newly souled Spike was very much at odds with his vision of himself - who he wanted to be vs. who he had been in the past. The "badness" of his actions coupled with the First (as Spike) taunting him must have made for a particularly conflicted journey. I think his guilt might have been two fold because the soul doesn't erase all your bad desires. Angel's a testament to that and us mere mortals can be pretty darn wicked when we put our minds to it. In Spike's less lucid moments, I imagine his memories and desires probably would have overlapped and been this huge jumble of conflicted feeling. I tried to represent that here.
The reference to Buffy as the Blue Fairy (Are you real?) is wonderful, as well. Reality is one of those interesting themes that Joss & Co. played with a lot on the show. Buffy's Slayer dreams were one of the earliest examples, followed by episodes where nightmares become reality, Dawn's identity issues, Spike's courage in "Intervention," and of course the perceptions of "crazy" characters like Dru and basement!Spike. After I rewatched "Lessons" to see their first meeting, I thought that it was an essential addition since Spike looks to Buffy for acceptance and approval.
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif){kind=small}
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ninetydegrees
no subject
2009-10-30 17:40 (UTC)There's so much going on in just those two lines, about the tenuous grasp he has on his desires (kiss or kill), his memory, and his sanity
Hee, you quoted my two favorite lines! I image newly souled Spike was very much at odds with his vision of himself - who he wanted to be vs. who he had been in the past. The "badness" of his actions coupled with the First (as Spike) taunting him must have made for a particularly conflicted journey. I think his guilt might have been two fold because the soul doesn't erase all your bad desires. Angel's a testament to that and us mere mortals can be pretty darn wicked when we put our minds to it. In Spike's less lucid moments, I imagine his memories and desires probably would have overlapped and been this huge jumble of conflicted feeling. I tried to represent that here.
The reference to Buffy as the Blue Fairy (Are you real?) is wonderful, as well.
Reality is one of those interesting themes that Joss & Co. played with a lot on the show. Buffy's Slayer dreams were one of the earliest examples, followed by episodes where nightmares become reality, Dawn's identity issues, Spike's courage in "Intervention," and of course the perceptions of "crazy" characters like Dru and basement!Spike. After I rewatched "Lessons" to see their first meeting, I thought that it was an essential addition since Spike looks to Buffy for acceptance and approval.