Yep, I still managed to break the character limit. *g*
At this point I suppose I should talk about things I thought didn't work, but honestly, in terms of story, there really isn't anything. I loved pretty much everything about this, start to finish.
However, I do have a couple of linguistic notes and some typo checks:
First, Americans rarely if ever talk about "moving house." If I'm in the process of changing addresses, I would just say that I am moving.
Second, Americans rarely talk about being "meant to" do something. I can say I meant to go to the grocery store, and I can say the Christmas present is meant for my dad, but I don't ask, "What am I meant to do with my life?" or "How am I meant to get all this done by tonight?" On the rare occasion when someone does use that construction, it's implied that there is a particular person with that intention, maybe God or a parent.
Instead, I'd say, "How am I supposed to get all this done by tonight?" This, for whatever reasonm doesn't imply intention by a particular person.
Places you used it: " Like she was meant to care about some old Victorian loser." and " It wasn’t that Buffy knew how she was meant to make it happen, but some part of her had clung to life, hadn’t it?"
Oh, and not really linguistic, but I have trouble believing even Buffy doesn't know who Sherlock Holmes is. Even before this latest spate of remakes, a lot of versions of the character have made it across the pond over the years, including, I'm fairly sure, a Wishbone episode (which Buffy probably would have been about the right age for). The name is common currency here in the states, and someone as up on American pop culture as Buffy is would surely be familiar with it.
And typos / phrasing issues (all taken from the AO3 version): * " He actually looked more actually contrite now," – one too many 'actually's * " Not that the bullshit had really started flowing yet, and other than which Buffy obviously had nothing to give her, but maybe the fake smiling had been a bad idea. " – I can't quite parse this sentence. Maybe there's a word missing? It's the 'other than which' I really get stuck on. * "Professor Lillian though she was smart?" – 'thought' * " That wasn’t surprising; it was late, but Buffy stared at it all the same, feeling taunted" – maybe 'daunted' instead? I wasn't sure. * "Buffy could imagined " – 'imagine' * " He wasn’t a toy, no matter how he’d treated him" – how she'd treated him, I think?
--
Finally, I haven't said anything about the prose, but it was wonderful stuff – vivid, clear, and full of character flavor. I saved a bunch of my favorite lines:
* " But she was trying to work through that, if only because of the hypocrisy where it didn’t seem to bother her when she was jumping his dead old bones, nor when he was active and moving around and grinning at her." – neat, I like the "if only because of the hypocrisy" reasoning.
* " But there had been something, moonlight and violets, maybe; a gentler side to the bruises and the you-get-off-on-asphyxiation-Spike?" – aww. I like the "moonlights and violets" bit, and how it contrasts with the sunshine and roses. Different strokes, and all that.
* "“Oh yes,” Anya remembered, continuing, “anyway. Your employment. As an idea, it’s a good one: employment is the backbone of our great capitalist society and more likely to ensure personal happiness than child-rearing, according to a poll in Cosmopolitan magazine. Good job – no pun intended. But.” She paused, clearly for emphasis. Slightly too long. “If there’s one thing I have learned from Xander’s many experiences of unskilled labour, thankfully now in the past, it’s that education is important too. You don’t want to end up in a life of minimum wage serfdom, especially not when you have Dawn to be responsible for, plus the high risk of permanent injury that follows slaying like a paragraph of fine print.” She rounded off, “So, if you want my advice, that’s where you should be focusing your attention.” – Yeah, I just love this entire paragraph. Anya drawing on previous experience and still being a little clumsy with rhetorical devices and still saying exactly what she thinks and yet being really actually helpful. Loved it.
* " And so Buffy made the really exciting choice to go upstairs and take a shower. It went fairly well" – heh
* "“I’m sorry,” she cut him off, pretty absolutely. She was, though, and his surprise at her saying it suddenly made the feeling sharper. “I didn’t mean…” And yet, now she was sighing too, uncertain what to say, uncertain exactly what she didn’t mean." – Apologies! Pretty big character moment, here.
*" Disgusted and frightened by feeling it, Buffy leapt away from him, shuddering violently and swiping her fingers over her lips. Spike looked like she’d just staked him, like she could never have done anything worse, but there was no time to explain, no words she managed to come up with, before –" – OHHHH. *wail*
* " Suddenly, then, he started talking, and it took her a moment to realise what he’d said. “Does this mean I’m in your house, then, eating with you and that, even though you have absolutely no intent to shag me?"" – I love this whole conversation. All of it. Buffy-shaped blob of jelly, and stars in Spike's eyes, and all of it.
* "“What…” she hiccoughed at last, wiping at the dribbling tears, accepting. Silence was all that was left to her, so getting arrested was inevitable. Whimper not a bang, wasn’t that the way everything ended? Maybe she could use her phone call to get Giles on the line. He hadn’t called her in weeks. “What are you gonna do to me?”" – YOU ARE BREAKING MY HEART HERE
* " Buffy sighed, trying not to feel loved. " – OHHHH. *clutches heart*
* "“I’ll have you know,” he told her, sounding slightly bitter, slightly admiring, “I’ve never once managed to seduce you. Even when I try I always end up doing what you want.”" – this is so true. I had never quite thought of it this way, but yes. Buffy has always been the one running the Spike/Buffy show, even after the sexytimes start.
* " Surprised, he clung to her speechlessly, wrapping her arms around her back and huffing his face into her collar. When she pulled away, he looked slightly broken, like she was leaving him at home to go to sea. In that moment, for the first time, it felt exactly like she was." – and just, look at the love here! Look how far they've come!
-- So, yeah, I really loved this a whole lot. Thank you so much for writing it.
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ninetydegrees
no subject
2012-02-16 00:19 (UTC)At this point I suppose I should talk about things I thought didn't work, but honestly, in terms of story, there really isn't anything. I loved pretty much everything about this, start to finish.
However, I do have a couple of linguistic notes and some typo checks:
First, Americans rarely if ever talk about "moving house." If I'm in the process of changing addresses, I would just say that I am moving.
Second, Americans rarely talk about being "meant to" do something. I can say I meant to go to the grocery store, and I can say the Christmas present is meant for my dad, but I don't ask, "What am I meant to do with my life?" or "How am I meant to get all this done by tonight?" On the rare occasion when someone does use that construction, it's implied that there is a particular person with that intention, maybe God or a parent.
Instead, I'd say, "How am I supposed to get all this done by tonight?" This, for whatever reasonm doesn't imply intention by a particular person.
Places you used it: " Like she was meant to care about some old Victorian loser." and " It wasn’t that Buffy knew how she was meant to make it happen, but some part of her had clung to life, hadn’t it?"
Oh, and not really linguistic, but I have trouble believing even Buffy doesn't know who Sherlock Holmes is. Even before this latest spate of remakes, a lot of versions of the character have made it across the pond over the years, including, I'm fairly sure, a Wishbone episode (which Buffy probably would have been about the right age for). The name is common currency here in the states, and someone as up on American pop culture as Buffy is would surely be familiar with it.
And typos / phrasing issues (all taken from the AO3 version):
* " He actually looked more actually contrite now," – one too many 'actually's
* " Not that the bullshit had really started flowing yet, and other than which Buffy obviously had nothing to give her, but maybe the fake smiling had been a bad idea. " – I can't quite parse this sentence. Maybe there's a word missing? It's the 'other than which' I really get stuck on.
* "Professor Lillian though she was smart?" – 'thought'
* " That wasn’t surprising; it was late, but Buffy stared at it all the same, feeling taunted" – maybe 'daunted' instead? I wasn't sure.
* "Buffy could imagined " – 'imagine'
* " He wasn’t a toy, no matter how he’d treated him" – how she'd treated him, I think?
--
Finally, I haven't said anything about the prose, but it was wonderful stuff – vivid, clear, and full of character flavor. I saved a bunch of my favorite lines:
* " But she was trying to work through that, if only because of the hypocrisy where it didn’t seem to bother her when she was jumping his dead old bones, nor when he was active and moving around and grinning at her." – neat, I like the "if only because of the hypocrisy" reasoning.
* " But there had been something, moonlight and violets, maybe; a gentler side to the bruises and the you-get-off-on-asphyxiation-Spike?" – aww. I like the "moonlights and violets" bit, and how it contrasts with the sunshine and roses. Different strokes, and all that.
* "“Oh yes,” Anya remembered, continuing, “anyway. Your employment. As an idea, it’s a good one: employment is the backbone of our great capitalist society and more likely to ensure personal happiness than child-rearing, according to a poll in Cosmopolitan magazine. Good job – no pun intended. But.” She paused, clearly for emphasis. Slightly too long. “If there’s one thing I have learned from Xander’s many experiences of unskilled labour, thankfully now in the past, it’s that education is important too. You don’t want to end up in a life of minimum wage serfdom, especially not when you have Dawn to be responsible for, plus the high risk of permanent injury that follows slaying like a paragraph of fine print.” She rounded off, “So, if you want my advice, that’s where you should be focusing your attention.” – Yeah, I just love this entire paragraph. Anya drawing on previous experience and still being a little clumsy with rhetorical devices and still saying exactly what she thinks and yet being really actually helpful. Loved it.
* " And so Buffy made the really exciting choice to go upstairs and take a shower. It went fairly well" – heh
* "“I’m sorry,” she cut him off, pretty absolutely. She was, though, and his surprise at her saying it suddenly made the feeling sharper. “I didn’t mean…” And yet, now she was sighing too, uncertain what to say, uncertain exactly what she didn’t mean." – Apologies! Pretty big character moment, here.
*" Disgusted and frightened by feeling it, Buffy leapt away from him, shuddering violently and swiping her fingers over her lips. Spike looked like she’d just staked him, like she could never have done anything worse, but there was no time to explain, no words she managed to come up with, before –" – OHHHH. *wail*
* " Suddenly, then, he started talking, and it took her a moment to realise what he’d said. “Does this mean I’m in your house, then, eating with you and that, even though you have absolutely no intent to shag me?"" – I love this whole conversation. All of it. Buffy-shaped blob of jelly, and stars in Spike's eyes, and all of it.
* "“What…” she hiccoughed at last, wiping at the dribbling tears, accepting. Silence was all that was left to her, so getting arrested was inevitable. Whimper not a bang, wasn’t that the way everything ended? Maybe she could use her phone call to get Giles on the line. He hadn’t called her in weeks. “What are you gonna do to me?”" – YOU ARE BREAKING MY HEART HERE
* " Buffy sighed, trying not to feel loved. " – OHHHH. *clutches heart*
* "“I’ll have you know,” he told her, sounding slightly bitter, slightly admiring, “I’ve never once managed to seduce you. Even when I try I always end up doing what you want.”" – this is so true. I had never quite thought of it this way, but yes. Buffy has always been the one running the Spike/Buffy show, even after the sexytimes start.
* " Surprised, he clung to her speechlessly, wrapping her arms around her back and huffing his face into her collar. When she pulled away, he looked slightly broken, like she was leaving him at home to go to sea. In that moment, for the first time, it felt exactly like she was." – and just, look at the love here! Look how far they've come!
--
So, yeah, I really loved this a whole lot. Thank you so much for writing it.